26.9.10

Bonfires in the night.


It's getting closer and closer to one of my favorite times of the year. That would be October and all of its Halloween goodness. Also my best friends Birthday is right near the main event of October. I'd imagine as a child, having Halloween on your birthday is a gold mine.
I'm not a big horror movie watcher, I never actually did much in October in general.
Very few haunted houses, not a whole lot of apple picking, and I'm not a huge fan of pumpkins.
What I have done is I have picked up the leaves many, many times, unfortunately our 100ft tall tree had to be cut down for insurance reasons. I always wear hoodies in October through November, sometimes even in December. I love hoodies.

This still doesn't change the fact that around October time I really get into the the undead spirit of it all. I always enjoy myself during the month, with abundant Halloween specials, the creepy decorations and the fantastic selection of candy. I feel it's a time where it's good to be scared. Holding your breath when you pass a graveyard, avoiding ladders, trying not to bite finger nails, looking behind you when you're out late and walking all by your lonesome, dodging black cats, the nervousness when you see ravens, or crows.
The best coincidence, I must say, is Friday the 13th in October because I swear everyone who claims they do not believe in superstitions or old wives tales will believe for at least one day.
Even in everyday life, the world seems to have this strange obsession with avoiding the 13th number, which is an ill fated number that just happens to be beyond completeness.

The last time Friday the 13th appeared in October on the calendar would be in 2006. I remember that day, the school seemed to hide in itself and everyone was holding their breathe, just waiting for something unearthly to happen. I think at one point, my mind played a trick on me, because I swear I saw something in the forest. The next time the 13th will come around in October is in 2017.

This year, fright is affecting me rather early. I want to play Silent Hill and Fatal Frame. I really want to take photographs of suspicious places and edit them to look even creepier. Much like I did last year. Last year I was still on livejournal. Last year I was very busy and I did nothing of interest. Worst October ever. This year, I'm hoping to make the most of the 31 days available to me. October is a time of nights. After 6pm, the fun starts. Well, that's how it was when I was growing up.
On that note, Halloween is an unfortunate dying tradition. At least where I live it is.
Almost 10 years ago. Everyone on my neighborhood had their porch lights on during Halloween, everyone had decorations, all the kids wore costumes and on top of everything, everyone knew each other. Literally, I'd walk a few blocks away from my house and I'd be saying hi to my classmates and they'd point me in the direction of their house so I could get more candy. One year I had three pillow cases full of candy, my own trick-or-treat bag was filled long before I made it to the big houses.
Halloween as a child was more like a strategy game. Get a group of friends, find a map of the city, mark your route so that you hit all the houses of people you know and get the 'good' houses in there and mark the end of the night at your friends house so that everyone can stay together for one last little party, before everything turns back to normal.

Even if it's been 7 years since I last went trick-or-treating and 5 years since I last put on a costume, I'm very emotionally attached to Halloween. It could the fact that I can be insanely creepy and no one would judge me. Or even because I love the macabre and vaudeville. Creepy circuses and old deserted fun houses.

I wish I was a kid one day every year on Halloween.

19.9.10

Your lie is fallng apart


I realize now I really want to keep this blog alive. I've decided that I really want this blog to survive as opposed to all the other ones that I've had. Mainly because they were crap. And I like blogger.

This entry certainly won't be quite as fantastic as the last one but I can't have inspiration smack late at night all the time. I wrote the entry at almost 3 in the morning. Yet is says I posted just before 10pm. If only that was the case. At the moment, I am waiting to go to work. Basically just for the night shift. It won't be long, this will probably turn out to a 3 hour shift. Not that I'm complaining because I have long shifts for the next two days. I'm grateful for getting Friday night off and now that I have Saturday nights off, it's even better!

I can't be cross every time I want to update my blog. These are the good things happening now and I need to pay attention to those things or I'll drive myself insane. A la 2 hours ago I was seething mad. I've mellowed now, obviously, but it's not a good way to stat my day.

It's been a half hour since my shift began. I wonder where my ride is?

18.9.10

In which I question, what the hell am I doing!?


I keep losing the password to this account. Now, it's not even funny anymore.

On the 4th it was my birthday! My 20th! It was so exciting and I had a lot of fun for once. Unlike the past few years. Recently, I've had these really ridiculous life changing epiphanies and such. Things are no longer a want, they've become needs. University and the school board failed me once again. It was all a stupid misunderstanding and blind faith in people I shouldn't have had blind faith in. So another semester is just me waiting around.

There are too may nay sayers in my parts. All I can say to you is watch me. Watch me as I move along in life and make a name for myself. I don't want to be left behind like this. I won't be left behind. It's not that I want to go to University, it's a need. I have to move on. I have to get out of here and be on my own. How can I learn to live if all my life is equaling a job in the family restaurant and going home at the end of the night?

Is it because I'm afraid I won't want to come back? Or maybe I'm afraid I won't make it on my own? I doubt that, for the longest time people have told me because I'm the youngest in the family, the baby, it will be hardest for me to leave the nest, so to speak. That fear I think is merely planted into my head from hearing the same goddamn thing over and over.

"I want to travel the world."
"By yourself? With what money?."

"I want to go to Greece."
"Don't be stupid, you won't find your way around."

"I want to go Toronto for University."
"That's too far away, you'll die."

"I can always get another job."
"Nobody would hire you."

"I have my own money."
"Out of whose pocket?"

Honestly, my status and age gives you the assumption I'm useless? Where do people get this?
Right now, I'm frustrated by what I've been hearing. For almost two years I've put up with this. I'm wasting time? I can't do my job? I won't go anywhere?
I ask you now. What have you done with your lives, you miserable people?
At least I'm trying and have a chance. At least I give a damn, not about you, but myself. At least I care enough to come home at night and want to be with family.
I refuse to live my life like this anymore.

I keep getting stabbed in the back, it's unfortunate. I don't do things that garner people to go after me like that but it happens. I guess I'm an easy target. I guess that because I call you my friend, you get to take my story and cry in someones arms, about how terrible your life is, when really, that's my sorrow. Those are the days I gave up to work, those are the hours I spent alone trying to cram for an exam I had no time for, those are my hours spent talking to you, trying to make you feel like you were worth more than what cheap value people placed you as.

That's why life isn't fair.
I never got to cry to someone.
I never got comforted.
I never got to complain.
I never caught a break.
I never even got to go to the fucking doctors when I was sick!

All I heard was a try harder. When no one worked as hard as I did at my age. No one gave up their nights with friends. Their parties, the class gatherings, their graduation day just to work and make it convenient for someone else.

This self sacrificing act is bullshit.
And this, my friends, is the beginning of the rest of my life.