29.4.11

Famous last words.


Changing is a long and arduous task.

It has been 4 months since I updated this blog, this tiny little piece of my life. It's been 17 weeks since the new year rolled around. It been 120 days since I made a promise to myself to change.

In the time that's passed I realize what a process changing is. It's painful sometimes and other times nobody understands what you're trying to do for yourself. There are tears and hateful words, screaming and the silent treatment. It's been hard for me these past months, but not unbearable. It's been quiet, and frustrating. From too many shifts to too little shifts.
These few months feel like the same day has been repeating for me, over and over and over, unlike Groundhog Day. Except every day is slightly different from the last. Which is frustrating. I like mixing up my routines. I also like sleeping, recently, I seem to sleep less and less. Even as I write this. I've only about 3 hours of sleep.

Makes for amazing scenario's in my head. Doesn't translate very well to paper, or reality. Maybe this is why I'm up to my neck art supplies in my room.

University isn't that far away. Unfortunately, who knew that it was far enough to make me go back to college?
It's not the worst thing that's ever happened. I'll be 22 when I go to University. That's something I'm fine with. Not to mention, this gives me a chance to raise my funds again since I've declined again since I decided to buy a DSLR. Which I've been very fond off. I just have to buy a new lens for it.

I'm rambling.

It's the rambling that gives me comfort. I found out what the worst feeling in the world is. Helplessness. This feeling, this sensation that just engulfed me when I was at my weakest made me feel so lost and useless. I have everything I could ever imagine, materialistically, of course.
Little comfort comes from objects when you feel like you're not even good enough to own them.
That's why I have siblings though. Literally one word from my brother made me feel better and as he talked to me some more, encouraged me and just praised me. I felt so much better, like I forgot that even though I'm not one in a million, I'm still worth a chance to do something great.
Then I became depressed again, thinking of all those people before me, even now, who don't have that kind relationship with their family, who deserve to be encouraged and never are. I know people like that, and no matter who encourages them, they won't feel any better until they get recognition from their own.
Then my brother punched me in the arm like a good sibling and made me play video games.
That just summed up the last 4 months in the tiniest ball of feelings possible.