Oh, Canada Day.

I've come to notice if I don't do something myself, it won't happen. That's an obvious fact for anybody, right?
If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself.

I wish it applied to my life. It's not that I can't do something for myself, but I'm constantly forced to rely on other people and every time I have plans, they get in the way. No matter how simple or grand it is. They will fuck it up for me.
Case and point. Today, I asked someone to bring my camera, someone who's work shift starts when mine ends. My friend's band is playing nearby, I want to see them play live for once.
It's Canada Day, too. Why not have some fun?

Fast about an hour after my shift is done and no camera. Friends are done playing and none of my friends hung around.
Well what the fuck.

It's come to a point where I realize this is my life. I'm constantly burdened with obligations and debts I don't owe. It makes me wonder if I started tallying what others owe me, what they've taken for granted because I never ask for anything is return, what would it amount to?
What then?
I can't handle being that bitch, so I smile and do my job. And then spend an insane amount of money to make myself happy. Which is stupid. I've been counter acting all my hard work for the past 10 months. All because I'm miserable and this kind of thing KEEPS HAPPENING.
I'm still going to University, I don't care how much money I have to spend, I don't care if I have to give up my soul to go.
It doesn't help that I've been working probably about 5 or 6 weeks straight now. Which just elevates the fact that this is a holiday and I missed the festivities again. Why can't I go with others or celebrate with my family?
Simple, all my other, closer friends are in another town. With their carnival, it sounds awesome and my family, well...My dad is sick, my mom is taking of him and this is the first time my dad has taken sick time in over 10 years, my brother is working everyday and my sister works and she has the car.

So I'm all alone. Holidays have a tendency to do this to me. Maybe it isn't the people, maybe it's just stuff like Thanksgiving and New Years and today that I end up alone.

I preferred it when I was in school. I didn't have to tell anyone where I was going. I twenty fucking years and my mom still calls me to tell me not wander off.
That probably pissed me off more than anything else. It's embarrassing and degrading. I know she's my mom and she's concerned about me. But getting lost in the town I grew up in, seriously?
I've never needed someone to be concerned about me. I just need someone to understand.

Famous last words.

Changing is a long and arduous task.

It has been 4 months since I updated this blog, this tiny little piece of my life. It's been 17 weeks since the new year rolled around. It been 120 days since I made a promise to myself to change.

In the time that's passed I realize what a process changing is. It's painful sometimes and other times nobody understands what you're trying to do for yourself. There are tears and hateful words, screaming and the silent treatment. It's been hard for me these past months, but not unbearable. It's been quiet, and frustrating. From too many shifts to too little shifts.
These few months feel like the same day has been repeating for me, over and over and over, unlike Groundhog Day. Except every day is slightly different from the last. Which is frustrating. I like mixing up my routines. I also like sleeping, recently, I seem to sleep less and less. Even as I write this. I've only about 3 hours of sleep.

Makes for amazing scenario's in my head. Doesn't translate very well to paper, or reality. Maybe this is why I'm up to my neck art supplies in my room.

University isn't that far away. Unfortunately, who knew that it was far enough to make me go back to college?
It's not the worst thing that's ever happened. I'll be 22 when I go to University. That's something I'm fine with. Not to mention, this gives me a chance to raise my funds again since I've declined again since I decided to buy a DSLR. Which I've been very fond off. I just have to buy a new lens for it.

I'm rambling.

It's the rambling that gives me comfort. I found out what the worst feeling in the world is. Helplessness. This feeling, this sensation that just engulfed me when I was at my weakest made me feel so lost and useless. I have everything I could ever imagine, materialistically, of course.
Little comfort comes from objects when you feel like you're not even good enough to own them.
That's why I have siblings though. Literally one word from my brother made me feel better and as he talked to me some more, encouraged me and just praised me. I felt so much better, like I forgot that even though I'm not one in a million, I'm still worth a chance to do something great.
Then I became depressed again, thinking of all those people before me, even now, who don't have that kind relationship with their family, who deserve to be encouraged and never are. I know people like that, and no matter who encourages them, they won't feel any better until they get recognition from their own.
Then my brother punched me in the arm like a good sibling and made me play video games.
That just summed up the last 4 months in the tiniest ball of feelings possible.