Oh, Canada Day.

I've come to notice if I don't do something myself, it won't happen. That's an obvious fact for anybody, right?
If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself.

I wish it applied to my life. It's not that I can't do something for myself, but I'm constantly forced to rely on other people and every time I have plans, they get in the way. No matter how simple or grand it is. They will fuck it up for me.
Case and point. Today, I asked someone to bring my camera, someone who's work shift starts when mine ends. My friend's band is playing nearby, I want to see them play live for once.
It's Canada Day, too. Why not have some fun?

Fast about an hour after my shift is done and no camera. Friends are done playing and none of my friends hung around.
Well what the fuck.

It's come to a point where I realize this is my life. I'm constantly burdened with obligations and debts I don't owe. It makes me wonder if I started tallying what others owe me, what they've taken for granted because I never ask for anything is return, what would it amount to?
What then?
I can't handle being that bitch, so I smile and do my job. And then spend an insane amount of money to make myself happy. Which is stupid. I've been counter acting all my hard work for the past 10 months. All because I'm miserable and this kind of thing KEEPS HAPPENING.
I'm still going to University, I don't care how much money I have to spend, I don't care if I have to give up my soul to go.
It doesn't help that I've been working probably about 5 or 6 weeks straight now. Which just elevates the fact that this is a holiday and I missed the festivities again. Why can't I go with others or celebrate with my family?
Simple, all my other, closer friends are in another town. With their carnival, it sounds awesome and my family, well...My dad is sick, my mom is taking of him and this is the first time my dad has taken sick time in over 10 years, my brother is working everyday and my sister works and she has the car.

So I'm all alone. Holidays have a tendency to do this to me. Maybe it isn't the people, maybe it's just stuff like Thanksgiving and New Years and today that I end up alone.

I preferred it when I was in school. I didn't have to tell anyone where I was going. I twenty fucking years and my mom still calls me to tell me not wander off.
That probably pissed me off more than anything else. It's embarrassing and degrading. I know she's my mom and she's concerned about me. But getting lost in the town I grew up in, seriously?
I've never needed someone to be concerned about me. I just need someone to understand.

Famous last words.

Changing is a long and arduous task.

It has been 4 months since I updated this blog, this tiny little piece of my life. It's been 17 weeks since the new year rolled around. It been 120 days since I made a promise to myself to change.

In the time that's passed I realize what a process changing is. It's painful sometimes and other times nobody understands what you're trying to do for yourself. There are tears and hateful words, screaming and the silent treatment. It's been hard for me these past months, but not unbearable. It's been quiet, and frustrating. From too many shifts to too little shifts.
These few months feel like the same day has been repeating for me, over and over and over, unlike Groundhog Day. Except every day is slightly different from the last. Which is frustrating. I like mixing up my routines. I also like sleeping, recently, I seem to sleep less and less. Even as I write this. I've only about 3 hours of sleep.

Makes for amazing scenario's in my head. Doesn't translate very well to paper, or reality. Maybe this is why I'm up to my neck art supplies in my room.

University isn't that far away. Unfortunately, who knew that it was far enough to make me go back to college?
It's not the worst thing that's ever happened. I'll be 22 when I go to University. That's something I'm fine with. Not to mention, this gives me a chance to raise my funds again since I've declined again since I decided to buy a DSLR. Which I've been very fond off. I just have to buy a new lens for it.

I'm rambling.

It's the rambling that gives me comfort. I found out what the worst feeling in the world is. Helplessness. This feeling, this sensation that just engulfed me when I was at my weakest made me feel so lost and useless. I have everything I could ever imagine, materialistically, of course.
Little comfort comes from objects when you feel like you're not even good enough to own them.
That's why I have siblings though. Literally one word from my brother made me feel better and as he talked to me some more, encouraged me and just praised me. I felt so much better, like I forgot that even though I'm not one in a million, I'm still worth a chance to do something great.
Then I became depressed again, thinking of all those people before me, even now, who don't have that kind relationship with their family, who deserve to be encouraged and never are. I know people like that, and no matter who encourages them, they won't feel any better until they get recognition from their own.
Then my brother punched me in the arm like a good sibling and made me play video games.
That just summed up the last 4 months in the tiniest ball of feelings possible.

The end, and we begin again

Every time I begin to write a blog,
It's when I really shouldn't be!

Hope you had a good Chrismakwanzaa and Happy New Year!

So it's 5am and it's New Years Eve and I feel the exact same I did last New Years Eve. "It's tonight? Really? Can I stay home?"

I don't think that my family will be doing much, but we're all home, so why not?

On the other hand, I haven't been working all that much thanks to my sister, who has my shifts now, I still can't escape douchebags. You know the really terrible ones who will argue just for the sake to arguing and twists your words to fit their means and they get you upset for the littlest thing you thought you'd never ever be upset about in your life. Oh, yeah. I happen to be on familiar terms with one. Thanks for ruining the day before New Year's. Asshole.

On the other hand, I had an amazing Christmas. I know I said that Christmas day takes forever when my family is over but this year was fantastic.
We hooked up Guitar Hero (which we had for years but never hooked up for some reason) with the drums and mic and played and it was awesome. Being the only one who knew how to play drums well enough to finish a song meant I played for hours, yet it was amazing.
I would have Christmas like that every year if I could but I know it would get boring. Our other Christmases have been great, too. When I got DDR, I was passing it around with the family, that lasted for two years. Then we got bored of it. Then it was the Wii and last year we just rotated around those items.

Now, for presents. We have secret santa's everywhere. Just not my family, but with my aunts and uncles and cousins, we do. I don't hate it, but GOD what a way to frazzle me! Every year I panic and cry and complain. "What do I get them!?" It's always people who I know very well, so I have to know what they want. It's stupid, no one has ever been upset at me for what I got them but I always think they will be.

Case and point. I got one of my favorite co-workers for the secret santa. She likes to be a brat when it comes to me because I am so much younger than she is,(doesn't help she likes to tell everyone I'm 12. I'm 20 years old for heavens sakes!) so for the first half of December it was constantly "Do you know who got me? Tell me! I know you know! It's you isn't it?" I would deny casually and I suppose I'm a good actress, because she believed me and she is a very perceptive person. So when the staff party came around (I wore high heels and served food, I was so proud of myself!) and gift giving time I just stalked everyone while gifts were given. When my co-worker got her gift and she saw her favorite bottle of red wine and her favorite brand of chocolates, she looked at me and she knew. She is not a very touchy-feely person and she doesn't like hugs, but when she received her presents she hugged me. That moment almost made my year. The I laugh at myself because I was panicking up until the party. I should slap myself.

I got my uncle Tom for the family secret santa. Of course, I panic, cry and complain x2 because I love my uncles and I HAVE to get my family the best no matter what. Fun stuff, I got things I thought would be nice. Tommy Hilfiger shirt and sweater and moccasin because I heard he needed a new pair. So Christmas Eve comes around and he unwraps his gifts that I worked so hard on and they looked awesome. And what do you know, I panicked, cried and complained for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
The bonus was the next day when the families came over for Christmas Day, he was wearing the sweater I got him.

Bottom line, I guess, to me Christmas is that feeling of surprise. Seeing something in the store that you think would be positively PERFECT as a gift. The rushing around and the waiting. Meeting people in stores you haven't seen in YEARS is a good reminder of the time gone by.
Even if you want to strangle those ladies in the store, once it's Christmas. It's okay. You won't see them for another year.

What great end to not so stellar year.

I have a lot left to do.

Dear 2010,
You started on a disappointing note, but it got better. I was so happy that I got easily upset when something went wrong, you died down into a slow pace that became my everyday boring routine with a lot to be desired, you gave three moments of intense anguish that I never thought I'd ever feel in my life. Next time, I will be prepared. Aside from that, you let me find a part of myself that I didn't know I had. So, thank you. Everyone.

Dear 2011,
We have yet to meet, but when we do, I swear I'll do things different. This isn't a resolution, this is my plan and plans must be followed. This year, I think it will be exciting.

Happy New Years, everyone.

Your lie is fallng apart

I realize now I really want to keep this blog alive. I've decided that I really want this blog to survive as opposed to all the other ones that I've had. Mainly because they were crap. And I like blogger.

This entry certainly won't be quite as fantastic as the last one but I can't have inspiration smack late at night all the time. I wrote the entry at almost 3 in the morning. Yet is says I posted just before 10pm. If only that was the case. At the moment, I am waiting to go to work. Basically just for the night shift. It won't be long, this will probably turn out to a 3 hour shift. Not that I'm complaining because I have long shifts for the next two days. I'm grateful for getting Friday night off and now that I have Saturday nights off, it's even better!

I can't be cross every time I want to update my blog. These are the good things happening now and I need to pay attention to those things or I'll drive myself insane. A la 2 hours ago I was seething mad. I've mellowed now, obviously, but it's not a good way to stat my day.

It's been a half hour since my shift began. I wonder where my ride is?

In which I question, what the hell am I doing!?

I keep losing the password to this account. Now, it's not even funny anymore.

On the 4th it was my birthday! My 20th! It was so exciting and I had a lot of fun for once. Unlike the past few years. Recently, I've had these really ridiculous life changing epiphanies and such. Things are no longer a want, they've become needs. University and the school board failed me once again. It was all a stupid misunderstanding and blind faith in people I shouldn't have had blind faith in. So another semester is just me waiting around.

There are too may nay sayers in my parts. All I can say to you is watch me. Watch me as I move along in life and make a name for myself. I don't want to be left behind like this. I won't be left behind. It's not that I want to go to University, it's a need. I have to move on. I have to get out of here and be on my own. How can I learn to live if all my life is equaling a job in the family restaurant and going home at the end of the night?

Is it because I'm afraid I won't want to come back? Or maybe I'm afraid I won't make it on my own? I doubt that, for the longest time people have told me because I'm the youngest in the family, the baby, it will be hardest for me to leave the nest, so to speak. That fear I think is merely planted into my head from hearing the same goddamn thing over and over.

"I want to travel the world."
"By yourself? With what money?."

"I want to go to Greece."
"Don't be stupid, you won't find your way around."

"I want to go Toronto for University."
"That's too far away, you'll die."

"I can always get another job."
"Nobody would hire you."

"I have my own money."
"Out of whose pocket?"

Honestly, my status and age gives you the assumption I'm useless? Where do people get this?
Right now, I'm frustrated by what I've been hearing. For almost two years I've put up with this. I'm wasting time? I can't do my job? I won't go anywhere?
I ask you now. What have you done with your lives, you miserable people?
At least I'm trying and have a chance. At least I give a damn, not about you, but myself. At least I care enough to come home at night and want to be with family.
I refuse to live my life like this anymore.

I keep getting stabbed in the back, it's unfortunate. I don't do things that garner people to go after me like that but it happens. I guess I'm an easy target. I guess that because I call you my friend, you get to take my story and cry in someones arms, about how terrible your life is, when really, that's my sorrow. Those are the days I gave up to work, those are the hours I spent alone trying to cram for an exam I had no time for, those are my hours spent talking to you, trying to make you feel like you were worth more than what cheap value people placed you as.

That's why life isn't fair.
I never got to cry to someone.
I never got comforted.
I never got to complain.
I never caught a break.
I never even got to go to the fucking doctors when I was sick!

All I heard was a try harder. When no one worked as hard as I did at my age. No one gave up their nights with friends. Their parties, the class gatherings, their graduation day just to work and make it convenient for someone else.

This self sacrificing act is bullshit.
And this, my friends, is the beginning of the rest of my life.