A Great Perhaps.
Maybe all I'm looking for is new scenery. A blank ticket that would allow me to go anywhere. To forget my partially wasted childhood. For those first few years of highschool, I lived, I really tried but talking to a random woman in hard times said to me "You're a baby, no offense, just twenty, you've hardly lived life."
I get frustrated at thinking how right she is. An entire year ago I had been the happiest in my life and I feel myself slowly falling into the monotony of my life AGAIN. I can't seem to hold onto my happiness. I can't seem to catch a break in that way. It upsets me that when I actually think about something and calculate possibilities, nothing wants to work for me.
What have I ever had and what have I lost?
I have a family, and I have a home. I'm already bloody spoiled just by typing those words. I have an amazing best friend, too. That is a luxury all by itself that right now, it's impossible to indulge in.
What have I lost? My inspiration. I want so badly to be back in school. I lost my friend all those years ago who slipped silently into a cold abyss, and I lost a chance to say my final farewell to someone who hasn't even died but they might as well be to me and I truly wonder if I had been different all those years ago would it change anything. Had I been more confident? Thinner? Less nationalistic? Would any of it matter where I am now.
All I know is that I feel like I'm bursting with the feeling that I'm missing something. Something is happening, passing me by and I can't grasp it. I feel very sick. I don't know why. I have a 10 hour shift tomorrow/today in 8 hours, and again on Monday and Tuesday and then on Friday, I work all week from then on. I have worked for 12 days straight. I have spent 45 hours of the last week out of the possible 168 hours on my feet and then 5 hours from the past week of work simply waiting.
168 hours. I have not slept this week. Instead I read. I read Looking for Alaska by John Green, I read The Zombie Survival Guide, I read The Nutrition Diet (and I feel like swearing off of food forever) I also spent a few hours reading the One Piece manga, because lets face it, even when reading manga you need to remember the better times.
I also find that writing blogs takes work. I've had 2 days to write a single blog entry I've done it time and again but I will post that candy bit possibly in a new blog. These are all activities I indulge in during the late hours. Between 11pm and 5am. After that I sleep. Or at least try to.
That's where all my inspiration hits. These days I'm so damn tired that it doesn't matter that I have a pair earrings on my desk that are waiting for me to paint them, or that I have a hat just sitting in incompleteness or even the poor book I began to write that's sitting as draft pages and notes and sentences. What saddens me most is the photos I haven't been able to look at and the pictures I failed to take this summer.
Why do I feel that I've lost what was left of the good times? Why do I feel that unless something happens, I won't be able to be with my friends, or play video games, or even chat on video conference online because I've lost my chance?
I need sleep. Not this nap every twenty minutes until you need to get out of bed for work.
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