I've come to notice if I don't do something myself, it won't happen. That's an obvious fact for anybody, right?
If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself.
I wish it applied to my life. It's not that I can't do something for myself, but I'm constantly forced to rely on other people and every time I have plans, they get in the way. No matter how simple or grand it is. They will fuck it up for me.
Case and point. Today, I asked someone to bring my camera, someone who's work shift starts when mine ends. My friend's band is playing nearby, I want to see them play live for once.
It's Canada Day, too. Why not have some fun?
Fast about an hour after my shift is done and no camera. Friends are done playing and none of my friends hung around.
Well what the fuck.
It's come to a point where I realize this is my life. I'm constantly burdened with obligations and debts I don't owe. It makes me wonder if I started tallying what others owe me, what they've taken for granted because I never ask for anything is return, what would it amount to?
I can't handle being that bitch, so I smile and do my job. And then spend an insane amount of money to make myself happy. Which is stupid. I've been counter acting all my hard work for the past 10 months. All because I'm miserable and this kind of thing KEEPS HAPPENING.
I'm still going to University, I don't care how much money I have to spend, I don't care if I have to give up my soul to go.
It doesn't help that I've been working probably about 5 or 6 weeks straight now. Which just elevates the fact that this is a holiday and I missed the festivities again. Why can't I go with others or celebrate with my family?
Simple, all my other, closer friends are in another town. With their carnival, it sounds awesome and my family, well...My dad is sick, my mom is taking of him and this is the first time my dad has taken sick time in over 10 years, my brother is working everyday and my sister works and she has the car.
So I'm all alone. Holidays have a tendency to do this to me. Maybe it isn't the people, maybe it's just stuff like Thanksgiving and New Years and today that I end up alone.
I preferred it when I was in school. I didn't have to tell anyone where I was going. I twenty fucking years and my mom still calls me to tell me not wander off.
That probably pissed me off more than anything else. It's embarrassing and degrading. I know she's my mom and she's concerned about me. But getting lost in the town I grew up in, seriously?
I've never needed someone to be concerned about me. I just need someone to understand.
Changing is a long and arduous task.
It has been 4 months since I updated this blog, this tiny little piece of my life. It's been 17 weeks since the new year rolled around. It been 120 days since I made a promise to myself to change.
In the time that's passed I realize what a process changing is. It's painful sometimes and other times nobody understands what you're trying to do for yourself. There are tears and hateful words, screaming and the silent treatment. It's been hard for me these past months, but not unbearable. It's been quiet, and frustrating. From too many shifts to too little shifts.
These few months feel like the same day has been repeating for me, over and over and over, unlike Groundhog Day. Except every day is slightly different from the last. Which is frustrating. I like mixing up my routines. I also like sleeping, recently, I seem to sleep less and less. Even as I write this. I've only about 3 hours of sleep.
Makes for amazing scenario's in my head. Doesn't translate very well to paper, or reality. Maybe this is why I'm up to my neck art supplies in my room.
University isn't that far away. Unfortunately, who knew that it was far enough to make me go back to college?
It's not the worst thing that's ever happened. I'll be 22 when I go to University. That's something I'm fine with. Not to mention, this gives me a chance to raise my funds again since I've declined again since I decided to buy a DSLR. Which I've been very fond off. I just have to buy a new lens for it.
It's the rambling that gives me comfort. I found out what the worst feeling in the world is. Helplessness. This feeling, this sensation that just engulfed me when I was at my weakest made me feel so lost and useless. I have everything I could ever imagine, materialistically, of course.
Little comfort comes from objects when you feel like you're not even good enough to own them.
That's why I have siblings though. Literally one word from my brother made me feel better and as he talked to me some more, encouraged me and just praised me. I felt so much better, like I forgot that even though I'm not one in a million, I'm still worth a chance to do something great.
Then I became depressed again, thinking of all those people before me, even now, who don't have that kind relationship with their family, who deserve to be encouraged and never are. I know people like that, and no matter who encourages them, they won't feel any better until they get recognition from their own.
Then my brother punched me in the arm like a good sibling and made me play video games.
That just summed up the last 4 months in the tiniest ball of feelings possible.
Happy New Year!
I love being with family on New Years. It's just the most amazing time. Also, I got the Nintendo DSi XL - Anniversary Edition, and the sound editor has a parakeet that repeats things on the title screen when you talk, it will repeat what you say in a very high pitched screech. Aaaaand my dad and brother were arguing with it. I almost died with laughter.
Then we played 21 until about a half until before New Years and then we pulled out the Uno because we hadn't played in a year. A nice dose of vengeance over a children's card game is always a healthy way to ring in the new year.
And as we watched Dick Clark's Rockin’ New Years Eve’s until the countdown, I didn't have any amazing revelation, I didn't think about how life was going to change in the New Year, and I don't care that I have very little money right now.
It's just so much better to know that this is my family and that's all I need. My dearest friend, Jaimie, who is also much more inspired than I am today because she wrote this glorious, albeit short and sweet, piece on who we are and what we were and it's the best thing I ever read in 2010 and I can barely bring or fish a few words inspiration out of my own head.
Today, I don't really have any words. I don't think I need them.
We just met, what do you think of me?
I have an idea, will you hear me out?
This idea of mine. I think it will work.
Every time I begin to write a blog,
It's when I really shouldn't be!
Hope you had a good Chrismakwanzaa and Happy New Year!
So it's 5am and it's New Years Eve and I feel the exact same I did last New Years Eve. "It's tonight? Really? Can I stay home?"
I don't think that my family will be doing much, but we're all home, so why not?
On the other hand, I haven't been working all that much thanks to my sister, who has my shifts now, I still can't escape douchebags. You know the really terrible ones who will argue just for the sake to arguing and twists your words to fit their means and they get you upset for the littlest thing you thought you'd never ever be upset about in your life. Oh, yeah. I happen to be on familiar terms with one. Thanks for ruining the day before New Year's. Asshole.
On the other hand, I had an amazing Christmas. I know I said that Christmas day takes forever when my family is over but this year was fantastic.
We hooked up Guitar Hero (which we had for years but never hooked up for some reason) with the drums and mic and played and it was awesome. Being the only one who knew how to play drums well enough to finish a song meant I played for hours, yet it was amazing.
I would have Christmas like that every year if I could but I know it would get boring. Our other Christmases have been great, too. When I got DDR, I was passing it around with the family, that lasted for two years. Then we got bored of it. Then it was the Wii and last year we just rotated around those items.
Now, for presents. We have secret santa's everywhere. Just not my family, but with my aunts and uncles and cousins, we do. I don't hate it, but GOD what a way to frazzle me! Every year I panic and cry and complain. "What do I get them!?" It's always people who I know very well, so I have to know what they want. It's stupid, no one has ever been upset at me for what I got them but I always think they will be.
Case and point. I got one of my favorite co-workers for the secret santa. She likes to be a brat when it comes to me because I am so much younger than she is,(doesn't help she likes to tell everyone I'm 12. I'm 20 years old for heavens sakes!) so for the first half of December it was constantly "Do you know who got me? Tell me! I know you know! It's you isn't it?" I would deny casually and I suppose I'm a good actress, because she believed me and she is a very perceptive person. So when the staff party came around (I wore high heels and served food, I was so proud of myself!) and gift giving time I just stalked everyone while gifts were given. When my co-worker got her gift and she saw her favorite bottle of red wine and her favorite brand of chocolates, she looked at me and she knew. She is not a very touchy-feely person and she doesn't like hugs, but when she received her presents she hugged me. That moment almost made my year. The I laugh at myself because I was panicking up until the party. I should slap myself.
I got my uncle Tom for the family secret santa. Of course, I panic, cry and complain x2 because I love my uncles and I HAVE to get my family the best no matter what. Fun stuff, I got things I thought would be nice. Tommy Hilfiger shirt and sweater and moccasin because I heard he needed a new pair. So Christmas Eve comes around and he unwraps his gifts that I worked so hard on and they looked awesome. And what do you know, I panicked, cried and complained for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
The bonus was the next day when the families came over for Christmas Day, he was wearing the sweater I got him.
Bottom line, I guess, to me Christmas is that feeling of surprise. Seeing something in the store that you think would be positively PERFECT as a gift. The rushing around and the waiting. Meeting people in stores you haven't seen in YEARS is a good reminder of the time gone by.
Even if you want to strangle those ladies in the store, once it's Christmas. It's okay. You won't see them for another year.
What great end to not so stellar year.
I have a lot left to do.
You started on a disappointing note, but it got better. I was so happy that I got easily upset when something went wrong, you died down into a slow pace that became my everyday boring routine with a lot to be desired, you gave three moments of intense anguish that I never thought I'd ever feel in my life. Next time, I will be prepared. Aside from that, you let me find a part of myself that I didn't know I had. So, thank you. Everyone.
We have yet to meet, but when we do, I swear I'll do things different. This isn't a resolution, this is my plan and plans must be followed. This year, I think it will be exciting.
Happy New Years, everyone.
"It's colder than before
The seasons took all they had come for
Now winter dances here
It seems so fitting don't you think?
To dress the ground in white and grey"
-VNV Nation, Beloved
Every year, Christmas blindsides me. It's like a damn freight-train that flies off the tracks and keeps going. Every damn time. When I was 15, even for years before, It was so damn easy to shop and prepare, craft things. Ever since I turned 16 and got a job, I get run over by the wayward freight-train known as Christmas.
Despite being blind sided and getting bank bills in disguise of medical fees. I love the holiday. I love it more than any other time of the year. For so many reasons like family. Being Greek, I have a huge amount of family members. A ridiculously large count. It usually goes like "This is you aunts, sisters, sons cousin from Australia, so that makes you distant cousins." So I just nod my head and stare blankly in response.
We have a tradition that allows us to get the immediate family together and celebrate. It's starts on the 24th, Christmas Eve, and I go off to my aunts house for dinner and gift opening. YAY! Then we kinda show off our gifts and play with the dog because he's a funny little brat.
The next morning on the 25th, the family comes over to our house and we have this messed up feast that lasts like all fucking day. Pardon my language, but it lasts FOREVER sometimes. I do love them, but there's only so much Greek soap operas and european league soccer I can handle in a day. Not to mention all the families make our food from scratch. Appetizers, main dishes, sauces, dressings, and dessert are all hand-made. So,so delicious.
It doesn't start again until New Years Eve where the family might go out to a chateau or club. As far as I know, I'm the only person in the family who's ever spent New Years alone and sick. I'll be honest and say it was awesome. It only happens once a year, but even then it loses it's charm. I wasn't old enough to go out and drink, so I shoved my family out the door, had I not been sick, they never would have stood for it.
Then New Year's Day we go out to my other aunts house and eat another feast all day and play cards and watch movies and watch hockey and then we go home.
It's an awesome tradition. It surprised me to know when I was growing up other families didn't do this. It also gives me a bit of pride. That this event, where I get to see my family together once a year, is massively surprising to people, where to me it seems common place.
There's also the gifts, oh my god. I wish the good old days when all we had to do was say "That toy!" or "That doll, mommy!" or "That super nintendo game!" and it would be an awesome Christmas. Now I end up saying "No, mom, it's expensive, I don't want you to buy me a camera because you don't know the brands." It's hilarious to me. We all work really hard and tear our hair to figure out what each person wants. It's fun. I love this and somehow my older brother always always figures out what I want and buys it and then I cherish it for years. Case and point. One year my brother bought me a sandisk mp3, that year the hardrive failed because I was using it so much so we got it replaced. I still have the shell of that sandisk in my room. 2 years later he bought me a samsung mp3 player which kick started my love for samsung so I pretty much have everything samsung.
Then there's the memories. Where each year I have terrible birthdays, I always have amazing Christmases that I can recall for years to come. I could tell stories all night, but then I think I would crash blogger and then where would I be?
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
If there is something that I love. It would be superstitions. I simply adore them. I don't live by them, I don't preach or teach them to others. I just like to know, they happen to make great conversation starters.
I thought I'd talk a little bit about something I mentioned in my other post. Friday the 13th.
Now I personally consider the fact that most people find the Friday the 13th unlucky or cursed, it has to be the luckiest day of the year. Since most are so terribly cautious it's probably a very safe day. According to The National Geographic this day actually affects 17-21 million people each year. The article was published 6 years ago but I doubt the numbers have changed. The fear of the day is known as paraskevidekatriaphobia according to my book on Phobias. Easy for me, because the entire bloody word is Greek. Paraskeví (Παρασκευή) means Friday and dekatreís (δεκατρείς) means the thirteenth and of course phobía (φοβία) means fear. (Is anyone getting a flash back to the intro of My Big Fat Greek wedding?) So we put that together as Paraskevi Dekatreis Phobia. It just rolls off of the tongue. Check out Wikipedia in startling accuracy on the pronunciation. Fear of Friday the 13th.
Now then. Friday the 13th. Why is it so feared? Why does it matter?
Surprisingly, this particular day has a lot of history. In Norse Mythology, 12 Gods reside in Valhalla one night for a dinner party. Loki, a mischeif maker was the 13th guest. True to his name of mischief making, Loki arranged for Hoder, the blind god of darkness, to shoot Balder the Beautiful, the goddess of joy and gladness, with a mistletoe-tipped arrow. Hoder hits the beautiful goddess and she dies. The world was shrouded in darkness and the earth mourns.
Christians see a connection with the 13th apostle Judas, as he was the one who betrayed Jesus and was also the 13th guest at the Last Supper.
In ancient Roman history, witches gathered in groups of 12 to do their witchy business and the 13th person that joined was assumed to be the devil.
There are 12 months in a year, 12 signs of the zodiac, 12 gods of Olympus, 12 labors of Hercules, 12 tribes of Israel, and 12 apostles of Jesus. With expectations like these, it's not hard to see why 13 isn't a very welcome number.
Now what about Friday? That's also a very biblical day. The day Jesus was crucified was documented to be on a Friday, Eve tempted Adam with forbidden fruit on a Friday, The Flood in the Bible occurred on a Friday and Abel was slain by Cain on Friday the 13th.
A really unfortunate Friday the 13th was during 1306, when King Philip of France arrested the Knights Templar and began torturing them to confess to heresy, which marked that particular day cursed by the devil himself. Not even ten years later, as the last Grand Master of the Templar, Jacques de Molay died and he cursed the name of King Philip and the reluctant Pope that was urged into the downfall of the Templar, both king and Pope died within the following year, what a surprise!
In Britain, both Friday and the number 13 were relatively close for other factors. Friday was a day for public hangings and there were 13 steps leading to the noose.
Do we see the effects even today? Definitely.
More than 80 percent of high-rises lack a 13th floor.
Many airports skip the 13th gate.
Airplanes have no 13th aisle.
Hospitals and hotels regularly have no room number 13.
Italians omit the number 13 from their national lottery.
On streets in Florence, Italy, the house between number 12 and 14 is addressed as 12 and a half.
Many cities do not have a 13th Street or a 13th Avenue.
Many who fear simply the number 13 point to the ill-fated mission to the moon, Apollo 13.
So our poor Friday the 13th is merely predicted to be a bad day. With so much under it's belt, so much infamy it's no wonder that people assume things will go wrong on this day. How can you avoid this bad luck? Besides thinking that Murphy's Law has something to do with it? When having a party, be sure that a 14th party guest is prepared at all costs, like in France, socialites known as the quatorziens (fourteeners) were the 14th guest to keep a dinner party from an unlucky or unfortunate fate.
Don't think about the number as being bad, the easiest remedy to fore go the unease of the 13th is treat like any other number, which it is because doing that is so much simpler than going on top of a skyscraper and burning all the socks that have holes in them and doing a hand stand eating gristle which are both recommendations in folklore to avoid bad luck.
A Great Perhaps.
Maybe all I'm looking for is new scenery. A blank ticket that would allow me to go anywhere. To forget my partially wasted childhood. For those first few years of highschool, I lived, I really tried but talking to a random woman in hard times said to me "You're a baby, no offense, just twenty, you've hardly lived life."
I get frustrated at thinking how right she is. An entire year ago I had been the happiest in my life and I feel myself slowly falling into the monotony of my life AGAIN. I can't seem to hold onto my happiness. I can't seem to catch a break in that way. It upsets me that when I actually think about something and calculate possibilities, nothing wants to work for me.
What have I ever had and what have I lost?
I have a family, and I have a home. I'm already bloody spoiled just by typing those words. I have an amazing best friend, too. That is a luxury all by itself that right now, it's impossible to indulge in.
What have I lost? My inspiration. I want so badly to be back in school. I lost my friend all those years ago who slipped silently into a cold abyss, and I lost a chance to say my final farewell to someone who hasn't even died but they might as well be to me and I truly wonder if I had been different all those years ago would it change anything. Had I been more confident? Thinner? Less nationalistic? Would any of it matter where I am now.
All I know is that I feel like I'm bursting with the feeling that I'm missing something. Something is happening, passing me by and I can't grasp it. I feel very sick. I don't know why. I have a 10 hour shift tomorrow/today in 8 hours, and again on Monday and Tuesday and then on Friday, I work all week from then on. I have worked for 12 days straight. I have spent 45 hours of the last week out of the possible 168 hours on my feet and then 5 hours from the past week of work simply waiting.
168 hours. I have not slept this week. Instead I read. I read Looking for Alaska by John Green, I read The Zombie Survival Guide, I read The Nutrition Diet (and I feel like swearing off of food forever) I also spent a few hours reading the One Piece manga, because lets face it, even when reading manga you need to remember the better times.
I also find that writing blogs takes work. I've had 2 days to write a single blog entry I've done it time and again but I will post that candy bit possibly in a new blog. These are all activities I indulge in during the late hours. Between 11pm and 5am. After that I sleep. Or at least try to.
That's where all my inspiration hits. These days I'm so damn tired that it doesn't matter that I have a pair earrings on my desk that are waiting for me to paint them, or that I have a hat just sitting in incompleteness or even the poor book I began to write that's sitting as draft pages and notes and sentences. What saddens me most is the photos I haven't been able to look at and the pictures I failed to take this summer.
Why do I feel that I've lost what was left of the good times? Why do I feel that unless something happens, I won't be able to be with my friends, or play video games, or even chat on video conference online because I've lost my chance?
I need sleep. Not this nap every twenty minutes until you need to get out of bed for work.