1.7.11

Oh, Canada Day.

I've come to notice if I don't do something myself, it won't happen. That's an obvious fact for anybody, right?
If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself.

I wish it applied to my life. It's not that I can't do something for myself, but I'm constantly forced to rely on other people and every time I have plans, they get in the way. No matter how simple or grand it is. They will fuck it up for me.
Case and point. Today, I asked someone to bring my camera, someone who's work shift starts when mine ends. My friend's band is playing nearby, I want to see them play live for once.
It's Canada Day, too. Why not have some fun?

Fast about an hour after my shift is done and no camera. Friends are done playing and none of my friends hung around.
Well what the fuck.

It's come to a point where I realize this is my life. I'm constantly burdened with obligations and debts I don't owe. It makes me wonder if I started tallying what others owe me, what they've taken for granted because I never ask for anything is return, what would it amount to?
What then?
I can't handle being that bitch, so I smile and do my job. And then spend an insane amount of money to make myself happy. Which is stupid. I've been counter acting all my hard work for the past 10 months. All because I'm miserable and this kind of thing KEEPS HAPPENING.
I'm still going to University, I don't care how much money I have to spend, I don't care if I have to give up my soul to go.
It doesn't help that I've been working probably about 5 or 6 weeks straight now. Which just elevates the fact that this is a holiday and I missed the festivities again. Why can't I go with others or celebrate with my family?
Simple, all my other, closer friends are in another town. With their carnival, it sounds awesome and my family, well...My dad is sick, my mom is taking of him and this is the first time my dad has taken sick time in over 10 years, my brother is working everyday and my sister works and she has the car.

So I'm all alone. Holidays have a tendency to do this to me. Maybe it isn't the people, maybe it's just stuff like Thanksgiving and New Years and today that I end up alone.

I preferred it when I was in school. I didn't have to tell anyone where I was going. I twenty fucking years and my mom still calls me to tell me not wander off.
That probably pissed me off more than anything else. It's embarrassing and degrading. I know she's my mom and she's concerned about me. But getting lost in the town I grew up in, seriously?
I've never needed someone to be concerned about me. I just need someone to understand.

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